I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
