Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
