For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
