you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
