alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Randomize
