I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
