I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
