It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
