My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
