I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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