She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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