How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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