you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
