peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
