I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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