I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
