You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Pants are for mortals
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
