Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
