dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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