dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
