Say something about gay babies.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think my moral compass just broke
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
