some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
