Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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