My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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