Pants 0. Shit 1.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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