Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
