I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
