I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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