He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
