just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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