apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
