Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
