you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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