In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
