So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
