I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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