you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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