I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
