Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
