Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
