My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
