His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
