John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
