apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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