I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
