I molested 6 butterflies tonight
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
