I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
