You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
