I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
