That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
