we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
