I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
honey bunches of taint.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
